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I Used to Feel Fat
How thirty years of diet culture kept me from understanding my own gender dysphoria, and what that means for the trans patients in your care.
Baxstar Jonmarie Ferguson
August 13, 2025
I used to feel fat.
She is so proud. I hate myself. We stand in the kitchen, looking out over the sunken garage-turned-living-room half a floor below where my father sits in front of the television. He must feel as awkward as I do. This is so awkward! I want to scream. This isn't normal! But what do I know about normal? I don't. She's the one always telling me how not-normal I am, so she must know, right? She must.
I'm wearing my first training bra. She is so proud. I hate myself. The moment extends for an entire age in my memory, frozen in time. He must feel as awkward as I do. Please gods let him feel as awkward as I do, before the memory turns malignant, grows claws and teeth. What do I know about normal?
I don’t know normal. So when I’m told that this feeling is “fat” I believe them.
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